Nights I Don’t Sleep

There are nights, many nights, when I don’t sleep.

I close my eyes, sometimes even drift off, but I never really rest. My brain never stops spinning. Instead, it’s playing some new song, telling some new story, telling me to talk to my wife even though she’s tired. Those are the good nights.

Some nights are spent thinking of what I’ve done, things I’d change, words I would unspeak. My mind gets made up: I’m a bad man who has done bad things. Not as bad of things as some. Not as many bad things as others. Sometimes, there are dark dreams, only dreams, but they seep out my ears so my head is empty when I pretend to wake up in the morning.

And the morning? I’ve taken advantage of staying awake. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get enough sleep.” is enough to draw out an apology and a lighter workload, some days. Others, I know words are flying behind my back: “If he’s so tired, why doesn’t he sleep?”

I can’t tell them that I’ve forgotten how, can’t reveal that I’ve forgotten how it feels. Sometimes, I never know if I’m asleep at all.

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5 thoughts on “Nights I Don’t Sleep

  1. Jeremy says:

    wow. It’s like I’m reading a story about my sleeping patterns. I’ve tried taking stuff to help, but all that does is make me completely useless the next day. I hate that you experience this, but in a selfish way, it’s nice to know I’m not alone

    • It’s pretty weird. You would think that being tired would allow me to sleep, no…

      • It does feel pretty weird to be really tired and not be able to sleep. Happens to me too when I work too much and my brain is on overdrive. The worst was as during a spell of fighting off chronic Lyme infection. One of the symptoms is intense fatigue and an inability to sleep because it messes with the melatonin cycle. As one person put it – you get to be awake and experience every minute of the worst of the battle . . . weird.

      • That sounds pretty awful. My insomnia is pretty mild generally but it’s certainly a bizarre floaty feeling.

      • My “normal” insomnia sounds more like yours. I definitely don’t recommend the other! Stay away from the ticks. 🙂

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